i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize