Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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