why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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