so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize