and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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