before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize