Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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