btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
We named our party play list daddy issues
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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