Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
