The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
