I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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