Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
