worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I did not marry a roomba.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
