i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
