How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize