Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
