He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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