ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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