I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
