im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
