I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
