so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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