My cat gives me a boner
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
