i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
