lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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