At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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