Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
