Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
