Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
