shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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