WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
