Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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