wakey wakey hands off snakey
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
