T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
