Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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