I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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