I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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