My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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