First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
