I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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