There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
you inspire me to be a worse person
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
