it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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