The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
