i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I supernannyed him into submission
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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