You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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