the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
