my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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