You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
