how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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