Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my shit smells like andre
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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