im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
