she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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