He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
