I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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