Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
