May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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