Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
