Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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