i'm signing you up for texting rehab
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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