hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
