Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
