I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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