I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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