So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
