I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
